learning to choose myself without guilt

For most of my life, especially in romantic relationships, I’d drop everything for someone I liked.
Not because they asked me to.
Not because they were wrong.
But because I instinctively wanted to give… to show up fully… to prove I cared and loved them.

As a DJ for the past 20 years, my life has been built around rhythm, creativity, late nights, hard work, and deep passion. This career isn’t just what I do… it’s my livelihood. It’s the one place where I feel alive, aligned, and completely myself.

Being a DJ isn’t just spinning tracks at a club… it’s an unpredictable schedule, late nights, early mornings… so not your typical routine or checklist. It’s endless networking, editing videos, curating content, creating mixes, answering emails, booking gigs, managing my brand, staying consistent on social media, and constantly evolving with the sound.

DJing is my voice. It’s my art. It’s my therapy. It’s my passion. It’s the rhythm of who I am.

But somewhere along the way, I started giving that part of me away.
Not permanently… but piece by piece.

I’d meet someone. I’d like them. And suddenly, my focus would shift.
My schedule would bend around theirs.
My energy, which was once fueling my art, would start pouring into proving my loyalty, my presence, my availability.

And honestly, it can be fun in the beginning… you want to be with that person all the time, and they want to be with you.
But later, you realize… you’ll both still be alive without being in each other’s presence 24/7 😂☺️.
It’s not going to last like that forever.

Looking back, I realize… I wasn’t just choosing them.
I was forgetting me.

It wasn’t toxic love.
(Okay… maybe some parts were 🤷🏽‍♀️ haha.)
It wasn’t anyone’s fault.
It was just a pattern… one I didn’t even know I was repeating, because at the time I truly believed it was love.
Maybe it was lust.

In those relationships, we both put our all into each other.
We didn’t just like each other… we needed to be close, all the time.
Trusting space or time apart felt like a risk… like distance would mean losing the connection.

But I’ve learned that space isn’t distance… it’s respect.
Time apart doesn’t weaken real love… it strengthens it 🫶🏽
It lets both people breathe, grow, and show up with something to give, instead of being drained from always being on.

When I consistently put someone above myself, I was teaching them…without meaning to, that my needs were secondary.
That my time was always flexible.
That my passion could wait.

That kind of dynamic doesn’t create intimacy.
It creates imbalance.

And if I’m being honest, I’ve also realized that some of those relationships may have been more conditional than I understood at the time.

When I started choosing myself… focusing more on my career, setting boundaries, or just carving out space for me… the energy started to shift.

It wasn’t that they had to be part of everything… but they wanted to be involved in a lot, and I loved it, It made me feel so special that they wanted to be a part of my life, It feels good to be wanted.
But, when they weren’t, things got uncomfortable.
Some only seemed to feel secure when they were around me all the time…Which Indian wasn't healthy for either of us.

And here’s something else I’ve noticed over time…
A lot of people say they support my career and in the beginning, they probably believe they do.
They’ll come to shows, repost flyers, cheer me on… until it becomes inconvenient.

Until they realize that this isn’t just a “cool job”… it’s a real lifestyle.

The late nights, the travel, the public visibility, the creative focus… all of that becomes their life, too, in some way.

And slowly, the support starts to shift.
Some don’t want to walk alongside it… they want me to slow down, settle down, or center them in a way that asks me to shrink what I’ve built.

But this is more than work.
It’s who I am.

Love shouldn’t require me to shrink, shift, or rearrange my purpose just to keep someone close.
Yes… relationships do require adapting.
We stretch, we compromise, and we make space… not because we feel like we have to, but because we really care and love this person. And that’s beautiful when it’s mutual.
What’s not okay is when the adapting only moves in one direction… when staying connected comes at the cost of losing myself.

Now, after being single for a while, I’ve been learning how to choose myself.
Not in a self-centered way, but in a grounded, loving, intentional way.

I’ve realized that you teach people how to treat you by how you treat yourself.
And if I want love that respects me, I have to show that respect first… to my own time, energy, and purpose.

No more chasing.
No more over-giving.
Just showing up fully as myself and letting anyone who’s meant for me agree… because they also want that for themselves.

I’m still learning what it truly means to choose myself without guilt.
Some days are easier than others.
But I’ve found that when I make space for my own passions and honor my time, I show up in a way that feels whole…not just for me, but for the people I care about too.

If anyone is reading this, I hope my story reminds you that it’s okay to put yourself first sometimes.
That it’s okay to take the space you need… and that doing so, doesn’t make you any less loving or worthy of connection.

I still believe in love.
I haven’t given up on it… I’ve just redefined what it looks like for me.
I have faith that I’ll find someone who not only respects the rhythm of my life… but dances to something similar.
Someone who’s rooted in their own passions, but wants to grow and build in harmony.

This journey of choosing myself isn’t about avoiding connection… it’s about making sure that when it happens, it’s with someone who sees me, supports me, and wants a love that’s expansive, not restrictive… and we both want that for each other. ❤️‍🔥🥹🥰

I’m not just okay being single. I’m content with myself more and more every day, and I believe that’s the best place I can be right now… to receive the real love I wish and hope for when it comes.

Choosing myself is a journey, not a destination.
And I’m glad to be on it.